Going to California with an achin' in my heart.

It's 9:40 am in Bangkok right now.  At around 12:30 pm, I will get on a bus to airport.  I will check into my flight, get my baggage checked, go through security, etc.  At 4:25 pm, my flight home begins.  I fly Bangkok-Taipei, Taipei-LA.  I will arrive in LAX at 8:40 pm on 31 May 2008.  

If I thought I could, with my words, give you guys even the slightest idea of how I felt right now, I would write more.  But I just don't think I can.  Give it time.  I'll get back to ya.

You're my sugarplum, honeybunch, pumpyumpyumpkin

I never really thought that I would have any inkling of the pain a mother goes through when she loses a child at such a young age.  And without even having birthed a baby.  Who would have thought that the biggest loss of my twenty years would be a three year old Indian girl with cerebral palsy? 

On Wednesday, May 14, around 6:30 pm, Kajol, mera baccha, died.  Sister tells me that she was fine most of the day, but around 5:30 pm she began to have convulsions.  Sister gave her an injection and got in the ambulance with her to go to the hospital.  She died on the way.  Sister says that she died peacefully with her mouth open just slightly as if she were about to say something.

Thursdays, the homes are closed, so I didn't go to Shishu Bhavan.  Friday, I walked into my floor and immediately Ashapriya, one of the older mentally handicapped girls, takes me by the hand and takes me over to one of the posters on the wall with pictures of all the kids.  She points to Kajol and I nod and smile.  She then makes a motion with her hands as if she's shooing someone away.  My immediate thoughts are that she's been moved to another home, which happens often.  Cabita, one of the teachers, walks up to me and says, "She's dead."  WHAT?!  Maybe she's joking.  She could just be joking.  Why would she joke about something like that?  But, still, maybe she's joking.  It's possible, right?  The Indians sometimes have a weird sense of humor... "Really?"  "Yes, on Wednesday."  "Oh."

You want to convince yourself that it's for the best.  She's with God.  No more pain.  No more convulsions.  He is holding her right now, as she should be held.  But you're human.  You're selfish.  Why can't it be me holding her?  Why did you take her from me?  Your arms are empty.  You sing to her.  You know she can hear you.  That puts a little of what was ripped from your heart back.  But still your arms are empty. 

But as a good friend of mine said to me, "Don't cry.  You'll only hurt her more." 

The first few hours were a bit hard, but the more I think about it, the more that I know it's for the best.  That knowledge slowly makes its way from my brain to my heart and it doesn't sting quite as much.  His arms are far more comforting than mine are.  And besides, I'll have another chance to hold her.  It's not over.  The love will always be there.

You're my sugarplum, honeybunch, pumpyumpkin. You're my sweetie pie.  You're my cuppycake, gumdrop, schnoogumsboogums.  You're the apple of my eye.  And I love you so and I want you to know that I'll always be right here.  And I love to sing sweet songs to you because you are so dear.

I'm down to sixteen days.

My heart beats hard whenever I think about it.

Oof. I really am terrible at this, aren't I?

It's been a busy couple of weeks.  It's usually about 90 degrees and 50% humidity every day, so every second I'm not working or with friends I'm sleeping or hanging out in places with fans.  There are less volunteers now because of the heat, so I'm working a lot.  It's tough on my body, but I love it so I can't stop.

The kids are doing pretty well considering the heat.  A few of them have been in and out of the hospital with respiratory problems from the heat, but everybody seems to be getting used to it by now.  Shyama's operation went well and she's back with us.  Kajol was in the hospital for a bit, but she's also back and continuing to improve.  Peter's chicken pox are all cleared up so we're back to working on walking when he's not in school.  Vishal has been taken back to the home that he was in before coming to Shishu Bhavan.  If I get a chance, I may go visit him because he left on a day when I didn't make it in the afternoon and I didn't really get a chance to say goodbye.  We have two new kids, Rhia and Nina, on the active kids' side.  They're still a bit shy so I don't know them terribly well, but they're opening up a bit with the other kids so I'm sure they'll be part of the gang in no time.
I'm noticing little things with the kids more.  Everything that used to seem so big has begun to feel routine, so it's the little things that get to me now.  Rinku, one of our older girls, is starting to gain her motherly instincts.  She is always asking to hold the other kids or will play with the two babies, Sonali and Jyotsni.  It's wonderful to really be able to see that despite her physical handicapped her mind is still going strong.  The same seems to be happening with a lot of our mentally handicapped kids as well.  For some reason, when I first got here the two sides of my floor did not mix very much, but that's definitely not true any longer.  It's very good to see the kids interacting with each other and helping to take care of each other. 

I've also made two small trips to villages just outside of Kolkata and one major trip recently.

I went with a friend of mine, Jessica, to a village called Bishnipur about 5 hours (by train) outside of Kolkata to do some temple hopping.  The temples were all Hindu temples built, I think, around the 12th century, but I don't quite remember.  They were very beautiful and the whole time we were there all I could think about is how much time and manpower went into the terracotta carvings on all of the temples.  It really helps to remind a person of just how dedicated the Indian people are to their respective religions.  However, the real adventure was getting to and from Bishnipur.  We had quite a time trying to figure out what train to take and where we should be sitting.  On our first train, we sat on the wrong end of the train:  It was really two trains together and apparently at the first stop they would detach and one end would go to Bubaneshwar, the other to Bishnipur.  We freaked out a bit at first, but the conductor helped us get to the right part of the train when we stopped.  On our way out, we got on the train we were told to get on.  This train was going to Shalimar, a station in Kolkata that neither of us had been to.  Luckily, at one of the early stops we found a train going to Howrah, the major Kolkata station, and we got on that.  It  all worked out perfect in the end and we got a little bit of excitement as well.

With another friend, Gerrit, I went to a village called Baraipur to visit the MC home for TB patients out there.  We were a little frustrated at first, because the plan was to bring 2 children to see their mother out there but the Father who was supposed to help us ended up forgetting.  We decided to go anyways, though, and had a lovely time.  The village was very beautiful and very quiet and the Sister at the home was incredibly delightful.  It made both of us very happy.

Finally, I made a trip to Bodhgaya, Rajgir, and Nalanda to see various Buddhist holy sites.  Bodhgaya was beautiful, but also very touristy.  The temples there were all beautiful but there wasn't much else there to do except sit around and talk to other foreigners or the monks, unless you had plans to do one of the meditation courses (which I didn't).  It was definitely nice to finally be somewhere quiet, though.  Rajgir is about 2 hours outside of Bodhgaya, and although a dusty little town, an absolutely gorgeous place to be.  There was a hilltop temple on the site where Buddha had spent 6 years in meditation before moving to Bodhgaya where he gained enlightenment.  There were also a few other temples as well as a hot springs.  It was a very hilly area which made me very happy because I really missed the feeling of being outdoors with the sound of the wind in your ears.  Finally, in Nalanda were the ruins of a famous Buddhist university that was around from the 5th-12th c.  It was destroyed by a group of Muslim warriors, but the remains were excavated in 1957 and are now open to the public for viewing.  It was particularly interesting because they let you walk around and in the ruins and really get to know and understand the layout of the university.  Definitely a good thing to have gotten out of Kolkata and found a little peace.  Plus, I got my nails painted by a little Indian girl while I was waiting for my train!  That totally made my night.

So, that's been the last few weeks here in Kolkata.  I'm down to less than 1 month for the third time now.  Mixed feelings as usual, but with the heat and the exhaustion, I think I'll be about ready to get home by the end of May.  See you all then!

Shesh!

We took the kids to a local theme park, Nicco Park, on Wednesday.  Even the day before, when the kids had just heard that they would be going out, they were all super excited.  It's really wonderful to see them so excited!
The trip itself was a lot of fun for everyone, even the 3 sisters that went along with us.  The kids really loved going on the rides, like the merry-go-round and the kiddie boats.  But mostly, I think they just loved being able to run around and cause all kinds of trouble, which they most certainly did.
I spent most of my time with Vishal.  Since he can't walk, he needed to be pushed around in a wheelchair, so I handled that.  My goodness, he's a wiggly thing!  It was almost impossible to get him to sit up straight and he kept kicking, making it very hard to keep the wheelchair straight.  But he was just so excited, how could he help it, right?  He's such a cute kid, too.  He really loves the word "Shesh," which means "Finished" in English, so as we walked around, he would say "Shesh," I would say it back, and he'd squeal and kick his legs out.  How could you be mad at that?
We also had a little picnic with ice cream and the masys brought a portable radio, so we danced and sang to Hindi songs in a little grassy area in the park.  And there was shade!  It's gotten so hot in Kolkata lately that finding an area with cool shade is definitely a source of joy.  All in all, an awesome day.

I also wanted to mention that one of the children on the mentally handicapped side of our floor, Kushi (who has Down's Syndrome), is being adopted.  Her parents and new brother are in Kolkata now and they're going to be taking her home on Sunday.  From what I've seen of them, they're wonderful people.  She's going to be welcomed into a very loving home, I'm sure.

These kids, I honestly can't even begin to describe how good they make me feel.

Something really happened on Saturday afternoon.

I was at Shishu Bhavan, holding Kajol on my lap on the exercise mats.  One of our boys, Bijoy, was laying on a diagonal at my feet.  He had been looking at me, so I smiled at him and started to make faces, which made him smile.  He doesn't have much control of his limbs, pretty severe cerebral palsy, but I held out my hand just to see if he would reach out to grab it.  He managed to do so and I congratulated him on it and started to rub his hand.  He then somehow managed enough control of his little thumb to start to rub my hand with it as well.  Considering that it took so much of his mental energy to move his hand, the fact that he was able to work his little thumb to rub my hand was beautiful.
This is why I'm here.

You may never see me again.

I may just hide out in India for the rest of my life. 
Well, okay, that's a lie.  I can't afford that.  But I will be staying on another three months.  I just can't help myself; I'm in love.

Here's the basic rundown on my reasoning:  There's a lot I still want to do here.  There are some aspects of Indian life I still want to explore.  There are a number of things I'd like to work on at Shishu Bhavan.  I'm still discovering new and exciting things about Kolkata.  
I don't know when I'll be back. 
I'm changing my program of study, but I don't yet know to what.  When I get home, there would be no reason for me to go back to school as I would have no idea what classes I should be taking. 
So, basically, if I'm going to be taking the rest of the year off of school, why not spend it doing something that has a positive impact on the rest of the world.  And something that I really want to do, as selfish as that is.  
It makes a lot more sense when I take the time to really flesh it out, but the one other time I did that, when I wrote to my mom, it took an awful long time.  But I really have put a lot of time and thought into this decision and I do feel that it's the right thing to do.   
I haven't got the exact details yet, but I'm going to Bangkok on Feb. 14 to get a new Visa, will stay until that Visa is up in late May, and will be in California for a bit, then back to Seattle at the end of May or beginning of June.

And now that that's out of the way... 
Sorry that I haven't written so long.  I've been busy making preparations to leave, discerning whether or not to stay, figuring out if staying is possible, and making staying happen.  And in between all that, there's of course work and seeing people and shopping and laundry and a number of other things.  But I think I probably owe you all a blog after that announcement.

This past Sunday, I went with my Irish lady friend to visit another of the rural villages outside of  Kolkata.  She goes out there every Sunday with a priest friend of hers to attend mass and visit with a few of the families she helps out there.  It's amazing how different things can be just an hour outside of Kolkata.  Once past the dirt road around the marsh, still wet and muddy from the recent rain, and over the rickety bamboo bridge, I was absolutely amazed at the quite and the GREEN of this village.  There were trees, bushes, moss, various vegetable plants, just green everywhere.  And you could not hear a single car horn.  I honestly think that my ears were ringing from the quiet.  After the initial shock at how beautiful it all looked and sounded, I started noticing life in the village.  I got to walk around a bit before mass and I was in love with the way that all aspects of life go on right there in front of you.  So much happens in the little ponds surrounding all of the houses.  There were women washing dishes, doing laundry, children bathing, men working to clear weeds.  And it was all shared with you.  But, in contrast to life in Kolkata, it's not an in-your-face kind of  openness; there's much more modesty and humility in it all.  I can't describe it much better than to say that it was beautiful. 
After mass, we went to visit one of the nearby families, over yet another rickety bamboo bridge.  They made the most delicious breakfast I have ever tasted, consisting of paratha, subji, and omelette.  Once we were stuffed, we visited with an older woman with a hip injury living in one of the rooms of the house.  She is not related to the family, but loves and is loved by one of the sons of the family and so they take care of her.  She, like so many in India is in so much pain with no hope of relief, and yet is so strong and beautiful that her smile makes you want to cry.  I'm hoping to be able to visit the village a few more times before I leave in May in order to see this woman again and get to talk to her a bit more.  

Things at work have been a bit busier, as Sr. Beattina has gone on retreat and so there are more little odd jobs that need taking care of.  I've been working a bit more with a 3-yr-old boy named Peter.  He's partially blind and a bit mentally retarded due to neglect as an infant and toddler.  I think he's pretty close to being able to walk on his own, so that's my goal with him for the next few months.  I don't know that we'll get all the way there, but that's what I plan on working towards.  Sr. Beattina has also asked me to work a bit on sensory stimulation with our two new girls, Sonali and Jyotsni, and to work on implementing a program of relaxation before dinner in the afternoons.  It's clearly going to be a busy couple of months, but I'm really looking forward to it.  I like to keep busy.

I hope all is well back home, and I'll see everyone in May!

Namaskar, 
Melissa