... by giving it its own individual tear. I will have an intense flashback of a person I was attached to, a place I visited often, a common scene on the streets, or a significant event, my eyes water, and a single tear (occasionally more) runs down my face. For a few seconds, I stay perfectly still and hold on to that feeling - a heart breaking happiness, a tug at my stomach, a lump in throat - and then I let it go. I go back to whatever I was doing (usually some sort of busy work at Zeeks).
But when I say I let go, I mean for the time being. It's never going to go away completely. I know that. And I defintely do not want it to. But I can come to terms with it for a while by letting that one tear fall.
It's good to have found a way to deal with these things, to have recognized it, and to have embraced. It helps a lot. If I were unable to embrace it, I feel I would go crazy. I called the flashbacks intense; intense doesn't even begin to describe them. For that moment, whatever pops into my head is real. I'm back there for that moment. I can feel, hear, smell, touch, taste everything that's going on. It's almost like living in two different worlds.
So I embrace each tear. I let it run its full course. I never have, never will wipe it off. Who cares if someone sees me crying? Kolkata taught me that it's okay to be vulnerable and I will never forget that lesson. I need that tear. I love that tear, just as I love
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
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