I'm down to sixteen days.

My heart beats hard whenever I think about it.

Oof. I really am terrible at this, aren't I?

It's been a busy couple of weeks.  It's usually about 90 degrees and 50% humidity every day, so every second I'm not working or with friends I'm sleeping or hanging out in places with fans.  There are less volunteers now because of the heat, so I'm working a lot.  It's tough on my body, but I love it so I can't stop.

The kids are doing pretty well considering the heat.  A few of them have been in and out of the hospital with respiratory problems from the heat, but everybody seems to be getting used to it by now.  Shyama's operation went well and she's back with us.  Kajol was in the hospital for a bit, but she's also back and continuing to improve.  Peter's chicken pox are all cleared up so we're back to working on walking when he's not in school.  Vishal has been taken back to the home that he was in before coming to Shishu Bhavan.  If I get a chance, I may go visit him because he left on a day when I didn't make it in the afternoon and I didn't really get a chance to say goodbye.  We have two new kids, Rhia and Nina, on the active kids' side.  They're still a bit shy so I don't know them terribly well, but they're opening up a bit with the other kids so I'm sure they'll be part of the gang in no time.
I'm noticing little things with the kids more.  Everything that used to seem so big has begun to feel routine, so it's the little things that get to me now.  Rinku, one of our older girls, is starting to gain her motherly instincts.  She is always asking to hold the other kids or will play with the two babies, Sonali and Jyotsni.  It's wonderful to really be able to see that despite her physical handicapped her mind is still going strong.  The same seems to be happening with a lot of our mentally handicapped kids as well.  For some reason, when I first got here the two sides of my floor did not mix very much, but that's definitely not true any longer.  It's very good to see the kids interacting with each other and helping to take care of each other. 

I've also made two small trips to villages just outside of Kolkata and one major trip recently.

I went with a friend of mine, Jessica, to a village called Bishnipur about 5 hours (by train) outside of Kolkata to do some temple hopping.  The temples were all Hindu temples built, I think, around the 12th century, but I don't quite remember.  They were very beautiful and the whole time we were there all I could think about is how much time and manpower went into the terracotta carvings on all of the temples.  It really helps to remind a person of just how dedicated the Indian people are to their respective religions.  However, the real adventure was getting to and from Bishnipur.  We had quite a time trying to figure out what train to take and where we should be sitting.  On our first train, we sat on the wrong end of the train:  It was really two trains together and apparently at the first stop they would detach and one end would go to Bubaneshwar, the other to Bishnipur.  We freaked out a bit at first, but the conductor helped us get to the right part of the train when we stopped.  On our way out, we got on the train we were told to get on.  This train was going to Shalimar, a station in Kolkata that neither of us had been to.  Luckily, at one of the early stops we found a train going to Howrah, the major Kolkata station, and we got on that.  It  all worked out perfect in the end and we got a little bit of excitement as well.

With another friend, Gerrit, I went to a village called Baraipur to visit the MC home for TB patients out there.  We were a little frustrated at first, because the plan was to bring 2 children to see their mother out there but the Father who was supposed to help us ended up forgetting.  We decided to go anyways, though, and had a lovely time.  The village was very beautiful and very quiet and the Sister at the home was incredibly delightful.  It made both of us very happy.

Finally, I made a trip to Bodhgaya, Rajgir, and Nalanda to see various Buddhist holy sites.  Bodhgaya was beautiful, but also very touristy.  The temples there were all beautiful but there wasn't much else there to do except sit around and talk to other foreigners or the monks, unless you had plans to do one of the meditation courses (which I didn't).  It was definitely nice to finally be somewhere quiet, though.  Rajgir is about 2 hours outside of Bodhgaya, and although a dusty little town, an absolutely gorgeous place to be.  There was a hilltop temple on the site where Buddha had spent 6 years in meditation before moving to Bodhgaya where he gained enlightenment.  There were also a few other temples as well as a hot springs.  It was a very hilly area which made me very happy because I really missed the feeling of being outdoors with the sound of the wind in your ears.  Finally, in Nalanda were the ruins of a famous Buddhist university that was around from the 5th-12th c.  It was destroyed by a group of Muslim warriors, but the remains were excavated in 1957 and are now open to the public for viewing.  It was particularly interesting because they let you walk around and in the ruins and really get to know and understand the layout of the university.  Definitely a good thing to have gotten out of Kolkata and found a little peace.  Plus, I got my nails painted by a little Indian girl while I was waiting for my train!  That totally made my night.

So, that's been the last few weeks here in Kolkata.  I'm down to less than 1 month for the third time now.  Mixed feelings as usual, but with the heat and the exhaustion, I think I'll be about ready to get home by the end of May.  See you all then!

Shesh!

We took the kids to a local theme park, Nicco Park, on Wednesday.  Even the day before, when the kids had just heard that they would be going out, they were all super excited.  It's really wonderful to see them so excited!
The trip itself was a lot of fun for everyone, even the 3 sisters that went along with us.  The kids really loved going on the rides, like the merry-go-round and the kiddie boats.  But mostly, I think they just loved being able to run around and cause all kinds of trouble, which they most certainly did.
I spent most of my time with Vishal.  Since he can't walk, he needed to be pushed around in a wheelchair, so I handled that.  My goodness, he's a wiggly thing!  It was almost impossible to get him to sit up straight and he kept kicking, making it very hard to keep the wheelchair straight.  But he was just so excited, how could he help it, right?  He's such a cute kid, too.  He really loves the word "Shesh," which means "Finished" in English, so as we walked around, he would say "Shesh," I would say it back, and he'd squeal and kick his legs out.  How could you be mad at that?
We also had a little picnic with ice cream and the masys brought a portable radio, so we danced and sang to Hindi songs in a little grassy area in the park.  And there was shade!  It's gotten so hot in Kolkata lately that finding an area with cool shade is definitely a source of joy.  All in all, an awesome day.

I also wanted to mention that one of the children on the mentally handicapped side of our floor, Kushi (who has Down's Syndrome), is being adopted.  Her parents and new brother are in Kolkata now and they're going to be taking her home on Sunday.  From what I've seen of them, they're wonderful people.  She's going to be welcomed into a very loving home, I'm sure.

These kids, I honestly can't even begin to describe how good they make me feel.

Something really happened on Saturday afternoon.

I was at Shishu Bhavan, holding Kajol on my lap on the exercise mats.  One of our boys, Bijoy, was laying on a diagonal at my feet.  He had been looking at me, so I smiled at him and started to make faces, which made him smile.  He doesn't have much control of his limbs, pretty severe cerebral palsy, but I held out my hand just to see if he would reach out to grab it.  He managed to do so and I congratulated him on it and started to rub his hand.  He then somehow managed enough control of his little thumb to start to rub my hand with it as well.  Considering that it took so much of his mental energy to move his hand, the fact that he was able to work his little thumb to rub my hand was beautiful.
This is why I'm here.

You may never see me again.

I may just hide out in India for the rest of my life. 
Well, okay, that's a lie.  I can't afford that.  But I will be staying on another three months.  I just can't help myself; I'm in love.

Here's the basic rundown on my reasoning:  There's a lot I still want to do here.  There are some aspects of Indian life I still want to explore.  There are a number of things I'd like to work on at Shishu Bhavan.  I'm still discovering new and exciting things about Kolkata.  
I don't know when I'll be back. 
I'm changing my program of study, but I don't yet know to what.  When I get home, there would be no reason for me to go back to school as I would have no idea what classes I should be taking. 
So, basically, if I'm going to be taking the rest of the year off of school, why not spend it doing something that has a positive impact on the rest of the world.  And something that I really want to do, as selfish as that is.  
It makes a lot more sense when I take the time to really flesh it out, but the one other time I did that, when I wrote to my mom, it took an awful long time.  But I really have put a lot of time and thought into this decision and I do feel that it's the right thing to do.   
I haven't got the exact details yet, but I'm going to Bangkok on Feb. 14 to get a new Visa, will stay until that Visa is up in late May, and will be in California for a bit, then back to Seattle at the end of May or beginning of June.

And now that that's out of the way... 
Sorry that I haven't written so long.  I've been busy making preparations to leave, discerning whether or not to stay, figuring out if staying is possible, and making staying happen.  And in between all that, there's of course work and seeing people and shopping and laundry and a number of other things.  But I think I probably owe you all a blog after that announcement.

This past Sunday, I went with my Irish lady friend to visit another of the rural villages outside of  Kolkata.  She goes out there every Sunday with a priest friend of hers to attend mass and visit with a few of the families she helps out there.  It's amazing how different things can be just an hour outside of Kolkata.  Once past the dirt road around the marsh, still wet and muddy from the recent rain, and over the rickety bamboo bridge, I was absolutely amazed at the quite and the GREEN of this village.  There were trees, bushes, moss, various vegetable plants, just green everywhere.  And you could not hear a single car horn.  I honestly think that my ears were ringing from the quiet.  After the initial shock at how beautiful it all looked and sounded, I started noticing life in the village.  I got to walk around a bit before mass and I was in love with the way that all aspects of life go on right there in front of you.  So much happens in the little ponds surrounding all of the houses.  There were women washing dishes, doing laundry, children bathing, men working to clear weeds.  And it was all shared with you.  But, in contrast to life in Kolkata, it's not an in-your-face kind of  openness; there's much more modesty and humility in it all.  I can't describe it much better than to say that it was beautiful. 
After mass, we went to visit one of the nearby families, over yet another rickety bamboo bridge.  They made the most delicious breakfast I have ever tasted, consisting of paratha, subji, and omelette.  Once we were stuffed, we visited with an older woman with a hip injury living in one of the rooms of the house.  She is not related to the family, but loves and is loved by one of the sons of the family and so they take care of her.  She, like so many in India is in so much pain with no hope of relief, and yet is so strong and beautiful that her smile makes you want to cry.  I'm hoping to be able to visit the village a few more times before I leave in May in order to see this woman again and get to talk to her a bit more.  

Things at work have been a bit busier, as Sr. Beattina has gone on retreat and so there are more little odd jobs that need taking care of.  I've been working a bit more with a 3-yr-old boy named Peter.  He's partially blind and a bit mentally retarded due to neglect as an infant and toddler.  I think he's pretty close to being able to walk on his own, so that's my goal with him for the next few months.  I don't know that we'll get all the way there, but that's what I plan on working towards.  Sr. Beattina has also asked me to work a bit on sensory stimulation with our two new girls, Sonali and Jyotsni, and to work on implementing a program of relaxation before dinner in the afternoons.  It's clearly going to be a busy couple of months, but I'm really looking forward to it.  I like to keep busy.

I hope all is well back home, and I'll see everyone in May!

Namaskar, 
Melissa

Namaste, Sundari, aap kaisi hai?

It's been a long time.  I'm sorry.

It's good to be back.  Settling has taken a lot of time and energy, though, and with the heat and starting up at work again, I've been feeling rather drained.  It takes just a little too much energy to walk back and forth from Mother House and Shishu Bhavan twice a day, but that hasn't really stopped me from doing it.  I love those kids too much.  
So, let me give you the highlights:

- They grow so fast!  Getting back from 2 weeks in Thailand (to renew my Visa), I looked around the room and thought, "Jeez, they're so much bigger than I remember!"
- For a friend, Jyotsni is doing really well.  There is one volunteer who has been spending a lot of time with her and it's been really good.  She can stand with minimal support, is saying a few short words such as "baba," and is genuinely curious about the world in general.  You would be proud.
- There's a new boy, Vishal.  He's another cerebral palsy case, along with microencephaly.  He is very smart, though, and we're working on speech therapy with him a lot.  He knows quite a bit of Bengali, and we just taught him to count to 10.  He's a ball.  He calls across the room, "Ooooooh Vishal!  Oooooh Auntie!" at me because he knows I'll respond by making funny noises at him.
- I'm still working with Peter quite a bit.  He's going to school now, so I have less time now, but I'm incredibly glad he's at school.  You can already tell it's doing him a world of good.  I've never seen him smile quite as much as he does now.  
- Kajol got chickenpox while I was gone, but they've cleared up by now.  Poor thing was doing so much crying because she couldn't itch herself, but she was a trooper and got through it.  She's still my babes.

You can tell the heat is getting to everyone, but most of them are still making great progress.  It's a beautiful thing, guys, to be able to watch them go through so much.  Five months is a long time and a lot has happened since I first got there, and I'm so grateful to have had this opportunity to watch their improvements, and even the regression of some, knowing that at some point an Auntie will take them on and get them back to where they need to be.

As for "home life,"  it's finally getting settled and I'm really liking that feeling.  I've moved into an area in one of the guesthouses that's for people working in NGOs (and therefore staying longer), which I'm incredibly happy about.  It means that I've got a fridge, a kitchen, and a really nice, spacious room.  I pay monthly, so I don't have to worry about giving money to the door man every morning.  I can decorate and make it feel like my place.  I'm pretty sure I'll be there throughout the rest of my stay.
Sudder St. is awesome.  There aren't too many of my fellow long-term Mama T volunteers around at the moment, as they've all moved closer to Mother House, but that's not so bad.  I see them at breakfast, work, sometimes lunch, and sometimes dinner.  The rest of the time I spend networking with the Indian shopkeepers.  It's ridiculously fun.  And I get a lot of free chai and juice as a result.

I think the best part about having stayed, though, is that I'm doing so much more exploring.  I really feel like Kolkata has been telling me that I shouldn't go about wasting the next few months I have.  She wants me to see, hear, touch, feel, taste everything I possibly can.  And I am trying so hard.  The good and the bad, from stomach pain to the beauty of the Botanical Gardens to the dirt and grime of the train station to the noise of the construction outside my window.  I embrace it.  Kolkata bahut kupsurat hai.  Kolkata is very beautiful.

And one more quick story...

... that I had meant to write about but forgot, I guess.

Friday I worked the afternoon shift at Shishu Bhavan because I was feeling a little down.  There are these two Indian women, a mother and daughter, who work there in the afternoons and are incredibly sweet and very inquisitive.  As I was sitting with a little boy named Mohit, just keeping him company because he, too, seemed to be a bit down, the daughter walks over to me and says, "You are becoming beautiful.  You are more and more beautiful each time I see you.  There must be something in the Indian air that is making you. beautiful."  The mother, who is always right there with her daughter (they're so cute!) then says, "Yes.  Kolkata is making you beautiful." 
And of course it's always nice to be called beautiful.  But what I really loved about that conversation is the truth in those statements.  There is something about Kolkata that I think has changed me, made my soul a bit more beautiful.  Whether or not that is actually reflected on the exterior, I can't judge.  But I'm definitely certain that what is on the inside is much more beautiful.
Also, when I told her about what a hard time I was having making the decision to stay and making things work, the daughter told me, "Do not worry.  It will all work out."  That was a big comfort.  And they did, so I thank her among many others for that.