BABIES!

I don't plan on regularly updating this often, but I wanted to talk about the first day back at Shishu Bhavan while it's still fresh in my mind.
As it turns out, Orientation was cancelled yesterday, so myself and about 25 other volunteers waited about 45 minutes for the Sisters to show up. When we were finally told that there would be no Orientation, I decided that since I was already at Shishu Bhavan, I would head upstairs and talk to the Sister in charge to see if it was okay for me to see the kids. However, she was not around and I was about to leave when one of the masis recognized me and waved me in.
The first day back was definitely weird. It was the afternoon shift, which is usually a bit more laid back, so it seemed very quiet. There were also only 2 other volunteers there, so the kids weren't quite as riled up as usual.
I went over to my side, the disabled kids' side, and sat down on the mat. The first thing that struck me was how many new kids there were. I sometimes forget that it has been a full year since I have been there, so I hadn't expected so many new kids. The new ones, in general, seem to be a happy bunch. There's a little blind girl, Mita, a happy new boy, Goneshkar (I may be getting his name very very wrong - that's just what I heard one of the masis), as well as a few others I have yet to meet.
There are also a few kids who have been adopted or moved elsewhere. Peter, my little blind boy I was helping learn to walk, has been moved elsewhere, as has Jayanti. From the mentally disabled side, Ashapriya and Abilash are gone. I'm really going to miss Abilash, the little terror that he was. That may be one of the reasons everything was so quiet. He was always up to something, getting the kids screaming and running around.
I'd really like to say that all of the other kids are doing very well, better than they were when I left, but that would be a lie. Some of them are doing much better, like the two little ones who came about a month before I left, Sonali and Jyotsni. When I had left, Sonali could not sit up on her own and Jyotsni could only say, "bababababa..." Now, Sonali is close to being able to stand on her own, Jyotsni is learning to use her swollen hand to pick things up, and both of them are learning to speak. Rakhi is able to walk on her own a little bit and has gotten less shy. On the other hand, Deepa has gotten more shy and can still walk on her own but refuses to do so. She won't use the walls to navigate like she used to. She just kind of stands around when you pick her up and will only walk if you grab her hand. A couple of the kids have gotten thinner. Shyama is still quite a little survivor. They had her out on the mattress for exercise time, so I assume she's not nearly as sick as she was when he left. For the most part, though, the kids seem to be in about the same place as they were when I left. That hurts, of course, to see so little progress and even a bit of regression. I just keep reminding myself that they are getting better treatment than they would be on the streets.
As for me, I was quite happy with how easily I got back into things. I remember that the part I found the hardest when I first started volunteering was the feeding, but I remembered the little tricks I had learned to get the kids to eat and didn't have much trouble. I can still tie a diaper. I can still make Lota smile by tickling her a particular way and remember some of her exercises. I'm glad that I don't have to start from square one again. That'll make it easier to continue learning about the kids and helping them as best as I can.
I am still so in love with them.

Peace only comes when we give up everything.

So, here I am guys. I'm back home.
The trip here was long, but relatively uneventful. Prior to arriving in Kolkata, I had spent about 36 hours in and out of airports and airport buses. I have decided that I will not be doing that ever again. Being in the airplane was not so bad - on my 14 hour flight from Newark, NJ to Delhi, India I watched "Y Tu Mama Tambien" and a Bollywood film that I cannot remember the name of but which had Shah Rukh Khan in the starring role. On my 2 hour flight from Delhi to Kolkata, I watched and Indian cooking show. In between these things, I slept and finished a book called "Kabul Beauty School" (not terribly well written, but a very good and inspiring story lies behind the so-so writing). But the airports were fairly grueling. Did you know that you cannot get a vegetarian sandwich anywhere in the Seattle airport? And that you can't enter the Delhi airport until midnight the morning of your flight? I spent a good 2 hours in the ticketing office next to two red-eyed Indian men who stared at me while I read about Afghan women and their troubles with their husbands, fathers, and brothers. And airport benches are not my favorite thing to sleep on.
So I've decided that the next time I make my way over here, I'm going to make sure to have at least a day or two at whatever International Airport I fly into before my flight to Kolkata.
But now, I'm here and I am so happy. I gaped out the window at the city on my taxi ride to Sudder St, the volunteer/traveler area of Kolkata. My taxi driver was that rare breed that actually does not dart around traffic at a kajillion mph, so I saw a lot more than I ever had on my way in. It was fascinating.
I arrived on Sudder St and was dropped off amidst a whirling mass of Bengali boys, beggar women, and foreign travelers. If the taxi I had taken in hadn't been behind me honking and a motorbike coming at me from the front and someone trying to sell me something on my right side, I might have just stood there and cried at the beauty of it all. Instead, I pushed myself forward.
To my great surprise, the very first people who I recognized on my way in were Kartick, Abdul and Kishore from the food stand Tirupati's. When I had left last, Tirupati's had gone out of business temporarily because Kishore had left for South Korea and the other two boys didn't like the new management (and/or vice-versa). Since then I've heard rumors about the boys coming back and starting up on their own but I didn't actually expect them to be here when I showed up. And I certainly didn't expect Kishore, who was supposed to be in a different country. Needless to say, I was ecstatic. I love these three people with all of my heart and I'm quite happy that I didn't have to work very hard to find them, though I would have.
The rest of the afternoon has been finding a guesthouse and meeting with old friends. For those of you who know and care, I'm at the Modern Lodge for now, in a small room on the bottom floor for Rs. 100/night. I plan on moving to the Paragon once I get settled in, but for now I'm quite satisfied to be in a dinky little room for only about $2.
I've seen Wassim of the Bengal Travel Service, and little Deepok from Juice World. Also, many of the beggar women (from now on, let's call them didis because "beggar women" makes them sound like they're not good people which they are) remember me and I have 3 offers to get my henna done. I "Namashkar"ed the old rickshaw wallah (Akhbar) and bought pants from the Paragon man. Everything about this feels right. So far, so good.
My plans for this evening, if I can keep myself going, are to go to Orientation with the Sisters and see my kids at Shishu Bhavan for at least a little while. I need to find a watch, so I'll be visiting New Market. I plan on dinner at Khalsa's. But mostly, I just want to sit back and soak it all in. It's good to be home.

Love love love!
Melissa

One week countdown.

I'm preparing to leave for my second trip to Kolkata, India.  The plane departs on 17 August at 10:55 am from Seattle, WA and arrives in Kolkata, India at 8:40 am on 19 August.  I will be there for one month. 

This is now officially my India blog.  I will be using this blog during each of my trips, which I'm sure will be many.  At this point in my life, I imagine that the main subject of this blog will be volunteering with the Missionaries of Charity in Kolkata, India.  I've fallen in love with Kolkata and with the children I work with at one of the Missionaries' orphanages, Shishu Bhavan.  I may branch out at some point and spend more significant amounts of time in other areas of India, but for the moment, I'm comfortable considering Kolkata my base of operations.

There are a number of blogs from my first trip to Kolkata already posted here.  I had begun using LiveJournal to write about my first trip to Kolkata, but LJ seems to have phased quite a bit as of late, so I'm moving on.  I've copy/pasted most of my entries from LJ onto here, to give everyone a bit of background as to why I need to go back to Kolkata.  I have left out the bits about Thailand and Darjeeling because, while both of those places were beautiful, they didn't really have the same draw for me as Kolkata and a few of the other places I visited.  Feel free to read them at your leisure; many of you who are reading this have likely already had conversations with me about my reasons for returning.

One month is definitely not enough time to do everything I feel I need to do, to deal with all of the emotions that need to be dealt with, and that scares me.  Throughout the preparation process, I have of course been excited, but I have also felt a lot more scared than I had the first time around.  I know that this is something that is necessary for me and that I will be better for it, but I am intimidated by my time limit.  

But don't get me wrong.  I am so thankful for the fact that I am getting any time at all in Kolkata.  I am really lucky to have that option open to me.  I also know that not everything has to be done now and that I have my whole life ahead of me to do what I need to do.

And, friends, I am so excited to open myself up to that love again.  I know now that making myself vulnerable in Kolkata has opened me up to love so much more no matter where I am.  I am excited to push myself again so that my love for humanity can grow that much more.  This will be good.  

Here I go again, kids.  Thanks for being there with me.

Pyaar se,

Melissa

PS - To all my fellow Bollywood fans:  You know that I am SO excited to get caught up on all of the new songs, movies, and stars that are big right now.  I'll be sure to give you all updates on that as well.  Om Shanti Om!

You're my sweetie pie...

One year ago today...

I want you to know that everything is for you, child.  You give me the strength to get through.

Thank you.  I love you.

I find myself coming to terms with each Kolkata memory...

... by giving it its own individual tear.  I will have an intense flashback of a person I was attached to, a place I visited often, a common scene on the streets, or a significant event, my eyes water, and a single tear (occasionally more) runs down my face.  For a few seconds, I stay perfectly still and hold on to that feeling - a heart breaking happiness, a tug at my stomach, a lump in throat - and then I let it go.  I go back to whatever I was doing (usually some sort of busy work at Zeeks).  
But when I say I let go, I mean for the time being.  It's never going to go away completely.  I know that.  And I defintely do not want it to.  But I can come to terms with it for a while by letting that one tear fall.  
It's good to have found a way to deal with these things, to have recognized it, and to have embraced.  It helps a lot.  If I were unable to embrace it, I feel I would go crazy.  I called the flashbacks intense; intense doesn't even begin to describe them.  For that moment, whatever pops into my head is real.  I'm back there for that moment.  I can feel, hear, smell, touch, taste everything that's going on.  It's almost like living in two different worlds.
So I embrace each tear.  I let it run its full course.  I never have, never will wipe it off.  Who cares if someone sees me crying?  Kolkata taught me that it's okay to be vulnerable and I will never forget that lesson.  I need that tear.  I love that tear, just as I love 

I'm sorry that I never got around to posting a final entry.

Things got a little bit stressful when I got back home and I just have not felt like sitting down and writing in a while.  To be honest, I don't really feel like it right now, either, but I figured I should write just a little something.  Even if nobody reads it.

When I got home, I was incredibly afraid of taking a bus.  I did not want to face the reality that that bus I hopped on would not be filled with sweaty, smelly Bengalis, that the bus would not jerk me around like mad, that sweat would not  be dripping down my face as I sat there, breathing in the nasty exhaust.  All of these sound like bad things, right?  Why would I be afraid of having a nice, cool, quiet ride on the bus?  I don't know.  But the truth is I was terrified.
Well, I have a friend out in Northgate who I really wanted to go see and that required me getting on a bus.  So a few days ago, I faced my fear and got on the bus.  The first ride was not the greatest because not only did I just not want to be on that bus, but I also got a bit lost.  But on my ride back up Capitol Hill from Northgate, I was looking around the bus at the various people sharing the bus with me.  And I thought to myself, "My goodness, humanity is beautiful."  
Kolkata gave me that.  This is the most important thing I brought home with me from Kolkata.  I never want to lose this.  It's a beautiful thing.

Going to California with an achin' in my heart.

It's 9:40 am in Bangkok right now.  At around 12:30 pm, I will get on a bus to airport.  I will check into my flight, get my baggage checked, go through security, etc.  At 4:25 pm, my flight home begins.  I fly Bangkok-Taipei, Taipei-LA.  I will arrive in LAX at 8:40 pm on 31 May 2008.  

If I thought I could, with my words, give you guys even the slightest idea of how I felt right now, I would write more.  But I just don't think I can.  Give it time.  I'll get back to ya.